She found him through a single alumni record: University of Colorado, geological engineering, 2000. Denver. Perth. Then a message to a Jiaming Liu in New Zealand, sent in desperation, sent without hope.
I am looking for Liu Jiaming. I knew a Chen Wei once, a long time ago.
She sent her number. She waited three days. He called back on a Sunday morning, cautious, hesitant, his voice older than she expected, rougher, as if he had not used it for something important in a very long time.
"I am Liu Jiaming," he said. "I knew a Chen Wei once. A long time ago."
She told him she had found letters. She told him her mother had died. The line went quiet for so long she thought he had hung up. When he spoke again, his voice was different. Smaller.
He gave her an address on the North Island and said, "If you want to talk, you will have to come here. I cannot do this over the phone. I cannot do this without seeing her in you."
So she came.
Now she sits in a rental car outside a weathered house on a coastal hill, the ocean loud in her ears, the wind carrying salt and something else, something that smells like memory. The porch light is on. She touches the box through her bag, feeling the wood warm beneath her fingers, gets out, and walks to the door. She raises her hand to knock.
The door opens before she can touch it.
A man stands backlit by the warm light inside. His hair is mostly grey, but the brownish tint is still there, catching the light like copper wire. He looks like someone who has forgotten how to hope for surprises, who has trained himself not to expect anything good in the mail, in the doorway, in the world.
"Yes?"
"I am Chen Wei's daughter," Ziqi says. "My name is Ziqi. I found your letters."
He goes very still. His eyes search her face, moving from feature to feature, finding her mother's eyes in her own, her mother's cheekbones, her mother's mouth. He looks at her the way you look at a ghost you have been waiting for.
"Chen Wei," he says, and the name sounds like a prayer and a wound, like something holy and something broken.
A woman's voice calls from inside, warm, curious. "Jiaming? Who is it?"
"A colleague," he calls back, and his voice is steady only because he has made it steady. "An old colleague. Give me a moment."
He steps outside and closes the door. The wind from the ocean is cold, biting, and Ziqi realizes she is not wearing a coat, that she has not thought about practical things in days.
"Your mother died," he says. Not a question. A confirmation of something he has already accepted, already mourned in advance.
"Three months ago. Leukemia." The word feels small in her mouth, insufficient for what it describes.
He closes his eyes. When he opens them, they are wet, but he does not blink, does not look away. "I am sorry. I am so sorry. I would have come. If I had known. I would have crossed the world."
"I need to talk to you. But not here."
He nods. "There is a cafe in town. On the main street. Eight o'clock tomorrow. I will tell my wife I need to settle an old debt. She will understand. She knows there are parts of me she cannot reach."
The next morning, Ziqi sits at a corner table, watching the door, her hands wrapped around a cup of coffee she has not touched. Jiaming arrives at eight-fifteen, wet hair, a jacket and scarf, as if he has walked through rain to get here. He spots her and walks over with a hesitation that makes her chest ache, a hesitation that says he is not sure he is allowed to want this.
"I told my wife a close colleague died," he says as he sits down. "That her daughter has questions. She understands. She has always understood that there are rooms in me she cannot enter."
Ziqi takes the wooden box from her bag and places it on the table between them. The brass clasp catches the light.
"I think," she says, "that we should start with these."
Jiaming looks at the box. He touches the brass clasp with a finger that trembles. He opens it.
她通过一条校友记录找到了他:科罗拉多大学,地质工程,2000年。丹佛。珀斯。然后一条发给新西兰一个叫刘佳明的人的信息,绝望中发出的,不抱希望发出的:
我是陈薇的女儿。我找到了你写给她的信。我需要和你谈谈。
第二天早上有了回复:
我住在北岛陶朗加。你来,我见你。
她登上了去奥克兰的航班。十三小时飞越太平洋。木头盒子放在她腿上,裹在她妈妈的围巾里。她感受着它的重量,感受着它的温度,仿佛那些字还在里面跳动。她到达的时候,空气不一样了。更绿,更甜,充满了陌生的可能性。她租了一辆车,开了三个小时穿过蜿蜒的绿丘和羊牧场,在黄昏时分到达那个小镇。
她在他家门口停好了车。窗户亮着。有人在。车里有人在移动。她拿着盒子走向门口。她吸了一口气。
敲门声很小,被海风吞没了。但足够了。脚步声从里面传来。门开了。
那个男人站在门口,被身后楼里温暖的光衬出一个剪影。他的头发几乎全白了,但那抹棕还在,在不太亮的地方刚好能看见。像铜丝,正如他写过的那样。他穿着手织的毛衣,旧裤子,拖鞋。他看起来像是被一个普通的晚上打断了,像是一个不再期待惊喜的人。
"我是陈薇的女儿。我叫紫琪。我找到了你的信。"
她的声音碎了,在最后一个字上破了。眼泪顺着她的鼻子流下来,但她没有擦。它们流进了她的嘴里。咸的。温暖的。解脱的。
一个女人的声音从里面喊了出来。"佳明?是谁?"
他看向紫琪的眼睛。然后,越过他的肩头:"是朋友。一个老朋友。给我一分钟。"他把门在身后虚掩上,把他们两个人留在门廊上。他缓缓地倚在栏杆上,仿佛膝盖可能撑不住似的。
"我每天都想她。想了二十年。"
紫琪把盒子递给他。他们的手指在木头和黄铜上碰到了一起。他的手指在搭扣上发抖。他打开了它。